Adopted

So there's this

dating website, endearingly called "adopte" by the French. A girlfriend let me know how she had started using it. Consequently, I began to see ads popping up all around Paris. The ad that final sold me was one boasted a surplus of redheads.

So I sign up for the site and try my best to pick out the pictures that best represent me. The first boy to speak to me looks adorable in his pictures, let's call him Orosius I can't even contain my excitement. Quite frankly, I was a little hesitant to put myself on a dating website. I know myself pretty well, I tend to be a bit boy/sex/dating crazy.

I'm getting ahead of myself already.

Let's back up a few steps so I can explain the concept of "Adopte".

The women are able to peruse the men and speak to whomever she pleases. They (the men) are referred to as "merchandise" and "products". Women have the ability to see which men have looked at their profiles. The men on the other hand, must send a woman a "charm" and the woman must accept the "charm" in order to "give the man the right" to send her a message. Everything is in French and everything is called "doux" 

Shortly after signing up for Adopte, I am bombarded with charms. Naturally, I am a bit overwhelmed and a bit too quick to accept. Most of my potential products contact me in French and it takes me some time to respond. The first guy, Orosius, sent me a poem that took me a half an hour to understand. Others told me I was charming, that they play the ukulele as well, that they want to learn English, etc. etc. etc. There was Matthieu, Monsieur Crepe, Gregoire, Magic Kiwi, etc. some other terrible pseudonymous that I didn't understand...and many many many close up shots of shirtless guys.

I didn't like trying to be witty and clever in chats with all these guys (especially in another language). I didn't like when they asked me to be their "sex friends". I didn't like when all the questions began to blur together into "why are you in france andwhenwillyoubeleaving?

TUFAISQUOIDANSLAVIE?

ugh, I hate that one.

So, I would sign on and have anywhere from 3 to 30 "products to test". After a week or so, the afterglow wore off and I started to think adopte as another time waster. I wasn't going to create any meaningful relationships. I was just looking for the thrill of having a man pick my profile based on my pictures and a few very simple phrases. And also, French guys are hot. With their little scarves and pointy shoes and silly pictures.

In the end the website stressed me the fuck out. Guys were getting their panties in a bunch when I wasn't responding quick enough, I was confusing names and what I had already said to who...yeah.

After 8 days of testing products and being "charmed" I deactivated the account and took a nice deep breath.

Although I will not go back to the online dating scene anytime too soon I am just bursting to talk about my time spent on a few harmless dates after..

I adopted.